Neptune Retrograde: Entrapment vs Empowerment

Do you ever wonder if your dreams and visions are merely self-deception? Do you ever doubt your path or wonder if you’re believing what you want to believe instead of seeing what’s actually there? Do you ask yourself if your grand vision is realistic or if you’re just fooling yourself and hiding from the reality of the situation? Do you have sickeningly discouraging moments of doubt when you consider whether the wisest course of action would be to give up on your dreams and just stick with the path that’s less of a stretch for you but also feels disappointing? Do you sometimes consider whether acknowledging and accepting defeat would be the prudent course of action instead of continuing to reach for a desire which, in the end, may very well prove beyond your grasp? Do you find yourself worrying, mentally exploring worst case scenarios, and mentally playing out scenes in which your deepest fears come to pass? Are you ever unsure of whether you’re just being paranoid or your concerns are well founded? Have you ever had a nightmare and wondered if it was actually a warning that would be wise to heed?

If so, good job! It’s very painful for any of us to take a long, hard look at cherished dreams and truly consider the possibility that our paranoia may be valid, but when we’re willing to deeply question ourselves from time to time, we’re more likely to catch our mistakes and correct our course. However, if you tend to get stuck in self-doubt or you are unwilling to consider the possibility that you may be mistaken about something important to you, then it may be useful to consider the nature of dreams and reality.

The essence of this dilemma lies in harmony vs disharmony between our inner world and outer world. These are not two separate realms. Our experiences with the outside world deeply influence us from before we’re even born, and the way we live our lives impacts the world around us. There are, of course, some things outside of us which are completely outside of our influence and direct experience in every way, and there is something very deep within each of us that remains unchanged no matter what we experience in life. However, most of our existence as an individual lies somewhere on a spectrum in between those extremes. I’ll come back to this idea in a bit.

The more harmony there is among the various layers of our inner and outer existence, the more empowered, free, fulfilled, and effective we are in life. Our dreams, visions, and intuition are an extremely important part of us because they bring knowledge of the innermost and outermost layers closer to the middle where we’re able to consciously interact with them. These insights may come to us as gut reactions, daydreams, dreams while we sleep, fantasies, worries, premonitions, hunches, synchronicities, symbolism, divine guidance, and deep, inner knowing that we cannot explain. We may also consciously use our imaginations to help us recognize and explore our innermost layers, worries, and aspirations in life. We can later decide what we intend to do and make plans for the future based on our exploration of our fears and dreams.

In astrology, all of this dreaming, doubt, and intuition falls into the domain of Neptune. However, Neptune also has even less pleasant ways of showing up in our lives, too. When it comes to areas which fall under Neptune’s influence, there is an alarmingly vast difference between the higher and lower expressions of what we do, how we do it, and how it impacts our lives. Neptune’s influences encompasses our aspirations, inexplicable fears, dreams, fantasies, symbolism, synchronicities, illusions, escapism, self-doubt, confusion, entrapment, self-delusion, addiction, imprisonment, loss of identity, powerlessness, resignation, submissiveness, self-sabotage, blindness, insight, clarity, surrender, spirituality, broader truth, and ultimate empowerment.

In short, Neptune broadly represents the subconscious mind, and the way we interact with it can be our self-undoing or the path to attaining our greatest victories in life. Why is there such a dramatic polarity within the realm of this one planet? Looking at Neptune’s retrograde cycle sheds some light on this subject.

What is a “retrograde”? The planets in our solar system revolve around the Sun, but we observe their movements from Earth. In astrology, we track their positions in the sky on a two dimensional chart called the Wheel of the Zodiac. As planets move through sections of the sky, they move around the wheel. From this perspective, it appears that planets occasionally stop moving (go “stationary”), start moving backwards (go “retrograde”), stop again, and then start moving forward once again (go “direct”). On the Wheel of the Zodiac, a planet passes over the same part of the wheel three times whenever there’s a retrograde: Once before the retrograde (the “pre-retrograde shadow”), once during, and then once more as it moves forward again after the retrograde (the “post-retrograde shadow”). The part of the chart that it passes through three times before continuing onward is called the “retrograde window”.

In astrology, the retrogrades of all of the planets can be excellent learning experiences because they give us opportunities to take another look at stuff from our past so we can reconsider it and then, when necessary, do something differently moving forward. They offer opportunities for self-correction and growth. They’re generally a time for reflection and contemplation, repeating the past, and more deeply exploring old or outdated themes. This can be very frustrating for people who don’t understand these cycles because it’s human nature to want to keep pushing towards our goals and get frustrated when it seems like we aren’t making progress. However, these times of repeating our past or taking a step back and turning our attention inward are a critical part of progress. Life is cyclic in nature. When we anticipate taking two steps forward, one step back, and then two steps forward again, we can make the most of opportunities that present themselves as they arise, even if the opportunity is simply to stop what we’re doing and focus on inner contemplation for a bit.

Neptune spends ALL of its time in the retrograde windows. It 2018, it entered the retrograde window on February 26th, went retrograde June 18th, went direct on November 24th, and won’t leave the retrograde window again until March 15, 2019. However, it enters the pre-retrograde window of its 2019 retrograde on February 28, 2019. That means that between February 28 and March 15, Neptune will actually be in two different retrograde windows at the same time, and in the 2019 retrograde, it will retrograde back through part of an area that it had already traveled back through in 2018. It does this during every retrograde. This is a big part of picture when we are considering the nature of Neptune. It graciously gives us many chances to “get it right”! (Pluto has overlapping retrograde windows as well, by the way. None of the other planets in our Zodiac charts do this, though Uranus comes very close. It is also worth noting that the Sun and Moon never retrograde.)

While it can be frustrating and quite painful at times when Neptune’s retrograde influences us to more deeply face issues that we thought we had already addressed, it’s a wonderful gift because, for better or worse, our dreams and fears shape our reality. When there’s harmony within the various layers of our existence, our dreams empower us to realize our deepest truths and take effective actions in directions that will ultimately lead us to greater fulfillment in and enjoyment of life. When our perceptions of reality and behaviors are based on our unconscious fears or we cling to our goals despite their disharmony with our inner truth and the outer realities of life, they then become our undoing.

What’s more, it’s very, very easy to misinterpret the meaning of the messages that we get through Neptune, through our subconscious. Humans are indeed extremely prone to allowing their unconscious minds to drive them to repeat the same painful patterns they have experienced in their past because those experiences formed their understanding of how the world works and their place in it. They deeply and unknowingly adhere to that understanding and continue to behave in ways that will allow them to fill the same role and experience the same types of pain they did in the past despite their conscious wish to change their lives. This aspect of human nature is also strongly related to the roles of the Moon and Pluto. The Moon rules Cancer and the 4th House which are about how they way we were nurtured in early childhood forms our psychological foundations, and we most readily notice them through our changing moods and how we’re sensitive to our surroundings. Pluto rules Scorpio and the 8th House which are all about depth. They’re where we face darkness and pain. They’re also where we experience intimacy with others, form deep attachments, and process the pain of losing the people and things we love here. Obsession and addiction to pain are the lower expression of Pluto’s influence. Facing our shadows and depth psychology involving healing core wounds are the higher expression of Pluto’s areas of influence, and if we don’t get stuck focused on the pain, they can lead to profound personal transformation as we let it go when the energy moves into the higher expression of Neptune’s areas of influence.

It’s very important to consider the influence of the Moon and Pluto in order to understand Neptune because each area of influence actively feeds energy and input to the next. The Moon’s areas of influence in large part determine what happens in Pluto’s areas of influence, and Pluto’s areas of influence in large part determine what happens in Neptune’s areas of influence which include Pisces and the 12th house. How we respond to the influence of Neptune then continues to progress back to the Moon’s areas of influence where our emotions and sensitivities are once again impacted by our unconscious minds. If we have experienced healing through this process, then our emotional experiences in life and our attachments and capacity for intimacy will heal as well. Either way, the energy and events keep moving through this progression throughout our lives. (Each of these areas of influence is also directly related to other areas of influence in our charts as well, and the entire interconnected dynamic makes up the whole picture of a chart. It’s fascinating stuff!)

The bottom line is that all three of these areas of influence involve our feelings, desires, fears, and intuition. All three areas also tell us when there’s disharmony among the various layers of our inner and outer worlds.

For this reason, the subconscious messages we get can just as easily (if not more easily) come from our fear-based core beliefs formed in early childhood, from our attachments, and from our addiction to pain (which everyone has to some extent) as from the deeper, unchanging, inner truth at the core of our being or the broader truth that’s so much bigger than any individual. This is why it’s important not to just blindly trust our feelings or our intuition. In order to accurately interpret the meaning of our dreams and intuitive messages, to know what’s real and what’s illusion, we must look to whether we’re experiencing harmony or disharmony among the various layers of our existence.

This is where escapism becomes extremely relevant when we talk about Neptune. This lack of harmony is what we experience when our unconscious fears are holding us back, when our goals do not resonate with our deepest truths, when we’re processing grief, when we’re faced with the possibility that it’s time to let a long-cherished dream die, or when circumstances do not seem to be cooperating with our aspirations. While such experiences can be pretty unpleasant even while we’re doing our best to distract ourselves from them, actually facing them can be excruciatingly painful.

This is why addictions are also related to Neptune’s areas of influence. When we are unwilling or unable to fully face a painful reality, we may find ourselves addicted to ideas, substances, people, or activities that help keep us from facing that painful reality. The disharmony doesn’t just go away though. As time passes and we continue to take (or fail to take) actions based on misconceptions and pain, the disharmony between the various layers grows. This is why addictions are progressive. The pain of living out of harmony with reality gets stronger and harder to ignore, so we have to work even harder to avoid facing it. We become more and more dependent on whatever we’re using to distract, numb, or delude ourselves.

I’d like to pause to make it very clear that this article is in no way judging those who are unable to kick their addictions or face some reality in their lives. All of us do this to some extent. Escapism is very necessary in life! In fact, our ability to keep things out of our conscious experience is an essential survival skill. We need our illusions and distractions. We can only handle so much of reality at once because our conscious minds are not infinite. We can only face so much pain at once because our central nervous systems get overwhelmed and start to shut down if we experience too much at once. This isn’t a race, and there’s no finish line in life where we finally arrive and are fixed, healed, and perfect. We’re all always perfectly imperfect, and if we can deeply accept this about ourselves and life, we can open ourselves up to experiencing so much more joy and wonder and success in life. Each person’s journey through life is unique and a necessary part of the whole of it. There’s no part that’s better than any other because it’s all one interconnected thing. We have to struggle in order to grow, and we can’t experience happiness without also experiencing sadness. It’s important to forgive ourselves for not being perfect and have compassion for our suffering. I’m saying this because I want to be clear that it’s okay to mistake fantasy for reality. It’s okay to get confused. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to avoid facing the truth. If we’re really meant to face something, we will do so when we’re ready. As previously stated, we get many opportunities to see what we need to see, and it happens when we’re ready for it to happen. We will be incapable of seeing it until then no matter how loudly it is screaming at us. There are things we can do to support ourselves in this area, but there’s really no need to push or judge ourselves. We can even just relax and enjoy the ride sometimes! Life will always be messy. Be gentle with yourself.

That said, I will discuss some perspectives that may help find the highest expressions of Neptune’s areas of influence, but first I’d like to briefly describe how Neptune’s retrograde cycles can influence how we experience truth and illusion. When we’re able to work with the natural influence that Neptune’s path has on our lives, we can make the most of her retrograde phases.

The first phase of Neptune’s retrograde cycle is when Neptune is direct and no longer in the previous retrograde’s shadow. In 2018, this was from mid March to mid June. This phase is relatively straightforward for Neptune. It’s a time for just dreaming our dreams and attempting to bring them into reality. It’s a good time to try new things and put previously clarified insights into action.

The second phases is Neptune’s retrograde. In 2018, it occurred between mid June and late November. During Neptune’s retrograde, we’re likely to be influenced to face our fears, take a closer look at our dreams, and struggle to figure out what’s real and what’s just wishful thinking. It’s a time of confusion, but we may not see the confusion for what it is until we look back at it later. At the time, it may instead feel more like a struggle or like we’re fighting for our dreams. We may consciously or unconsciously halt progress towards one dream to work towards another in order to see what we need to see about it. Circumstances may even force us to slow down or stop working towards one or more of our dreams during this time. If we take the opportunity to work with the influence of the retrograde, this struggle or confusion will eventually give way to a whole new level of clarity.

Some clarity may arise during the retrograde, but typically, the fog doesn’t fully lift until Neptune goes direct again. Those who are particularly in tune may have sudden realizations or epiphanies as Neptune stations or begins to move forward again. If we used the opportunities to deeply question ourselves that we encountered during Neptune’s retrograde and we stuck with them until clarity arose, then during the third phase, we’re able to begin to apply what we’ve discovered. We may begin to correct areas that need some adjustments, or we may wrap up whatever old business we needed to address and begin to move towards other aspirations once again. We may also simply renew the same dreams and continue on the same path with increased confidence and empowerment. Towards the end of this phase, we may finally get some of the answers for which we have been searching.

In the fourth and final phase, the pre-retrograde shadow starts before the post-retrograde shadow of the previous retrograde has ended. What happens during this phase may lead us to realize that the answers to our questions raise even more questions. We may begin to feel a new stage of our journey beginning despite not having much, if any, clarity about what it will entail. It may feel like everything is coming together all at once. We may even feel a sense of events being tied together in beautifully expansive and intricate ways. Or we may simply begin new endeavors and develop new dreams as we move on from our past. Stay alert and ready to make big changes during this time. In 2018 and 2019, the fourth phases occurs between late February and mid March. Once the fourth phase has ended, the first phase begins again. Watch for the theme of a realization received towards the end of the fourth phase to repeat itself with increased clarity and depth the following Autumn.

I’d like to take a moment to point out that transits and natal chart placements are not definitive predictions. They are, for the most part, simply natural tendencies. Also noteworthy is the fact astrology is incredibly complex. Our natal charts are simply snapshots in time, and they’re impacted by current transits (what’s happening in the sky now), the charts of people in our lives, and other factors. Additionally, everything in any chart is connected to everything else in that chart one way or another. No placement is an island. I’ve read books by people who have been astrologers for four decades, and those astrologers say that they’re still seeing things in their own natal charts that they’d never noticed before.

One of the things in a chart that can impact how Neptune’s areas of influence impact us is placements in those areas and aspects to those placements. For example, if Neptune in your natal chart is in hard aspect (square, opposite, or conjunct) to a personal planet (Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus, and Mars) or if you have personal planets in Pisces or the 12th house, than the cycle I described related to Neptune’s retrograde may impact you much more strongly. You may also find that you experience this cycle more often and in shorter periods of time than what is described in this article. If, for example, your natal Neptune is in hard aspect to your natal Moon, then you may find that you experience these cycles every month as the transiting moon conjuncts your natal moon.

How might we make the most of Neptune’s influence? As mentioned above, people usually see their inner world and the outer world as two distinct things, but they are not actually two separate realms. Our experiences with the outside world impact us from before we’re even born, our perception of the outside world is a direct reflection of our inner state, the way we understand our perceptions influences our behavior, and our behavior impacts the world around us and the types of experiences we will have in the future. We are an inextricable part of the world and people around us, and vice versa. There are plenty of things in the world that are entirely beyond our influence and direct experience, of course, and there are things within us that are so deep that we never consciously observe or alter them.

There is an entire spectrum of levels ranging from the deepest level within us, the part of us that never changes, to the outermost level. One might say that the second to outermost level is existence itself. The universe. Life. Science says that matter and energy cannot be created nor destroyed. They just keep changing forms. Everything exists within, arises from, and returns to the same universal pool of matter and energy. The very outermost level is the timeless stillness, silence, and space upon which the dance of existence manifests as it swirls into and out of a myriad of forms throughout time.

Our conscious awareness lies towards the middle of these levels. Some people naturally focus more attention on the outer, and some people focus more on the inner. Our range is generally pretty limited either way. We can explore in either direction, and when we do, we also wind up with a better understanding of the other because our outer world is a direct reflection of our inner world. We can learn about ourselves by going out and experiencing more of life in the world around us, and we can learn about life and the world around us by diving to new depths within our own unconscious minds.

Our subconscious minds deliver information to us from the levels outside of our conscious awareness. These messages come to us through our emotions, dreams, visions, intuition, symbols, synchronicities, imagination, IFS, etc. The information in the messages could come from our own unconscious minds, or it could be from something bigger than us.

Rainbows are a wonderful analogy for these levels. If the warm end of the color spectrum is the innermost layers and the cool end is the outermost layers, our conscious minds would generally focus on yellow and green. We can explore orange and blue through introspection and experiencing the world. We can, if we so desire, explore further and learn a bit about our deepest unconscious workings and our individual Selves in red as well as the broader spiritual truths of the universe in violet.

There is, however, another color in the spectrum. The same color can, at times, be seen either the red side or the violet side of the spectrum. It’s the color magenta. In this analogy, magenta represents that unchanging level of ourselves that lies beneath everything else. It also represents the outermost level, the void that allows for the birth of the world of form. It is the timeless stillness, silence, and space that exists within, beneath, and beyond all things. It is awareness of this level of our being that makes us one with the whole of existence. It opens us up to experiencing the entire rainbow. It is why surrender is the only thing that leads to true empowerment.

We can most fully access “magenta” by looking deep within ourselves. This is much easier said than done because there is a gaping hope, a void, an emptiness within all of us that we feel threatening to swallow us and spend all of our efforts trying to avoid. It’s the pain of separation, of aloneness. We must allow it to consume us entirely in order to realize that it is not our end, but our beginning. By allowing ourselves to be fully annihilated by the aching chasm we feel within us, we find home, wholeness, and unconditional love and acceptance. We finally find the fulfillment that we have been searching for somewhere out there all along by surrendering to the very pain we have been trying our very best to avoid and finding that this pain is “magenta”. The void is true freedom. We cannot know this until we allow ourselves to be fully engulfed by it. Until then, it will feel like we must avoid it at all costs.

We can also catch little glimpses of “magenta” by experiencing the world around us in a way that causes let go of our attachment to our personal significance in the world. This may be done through activities such as staring into the night sky or observing the view from a mountaintop while contemplating how infinitesimally small we are.

Either way, there must be a loss of ourselves as an individual in that moment in order to experience “magenta” and know that everything is right in the universe. Magenta is Oneness. Magenta is the highest expression of Neptune.

It’s entirely natural to fear death. Humans have a very strong self-preservation instinct. It keeps us alive as individuals and as a species. Facing any kind of death, whether it’s of our bodies, dreams, ideals, beliefs, relationships, or anything else can be extremely difficult. Even change can be difficult, especially if we don’t know how things will turn out. There’s a part of all of us that craves stability.

Consider the position of Pisces on the Wheel of the Zodiac. Each sign resolves an issue created by the previous sign, but it also creates an issue for the next sign to resolve. In Scorpio, things are dark and intense and very personal. Sagittarius comes in with a drive to lighten up, let go, and explore the world in search of Truth. Capricorn comes in with traditional values and society’s expectations, and it seeks to create material gain in the world as it exists. Aquarius comes in and says, “You know what? There are some things about the way the world currently works that are messed up. Let’s fix it.” Aquarius is very idealistic, progressive, and driven by its belief systems. Pisces comes in and just lets it aaaaaaaaall go. It’s the end of the cycle. It’s where we release our attachments and beliefs and allow things to change or end. And what comes next? Aries. Aries is the spark of life. It’s the creation of new energy. It’s passion and strength.

The lesson of Neptune, Pisces, and the 12th House may best be summed up with the old adage, “If you love something, let it go. If it returns to you, it’s yours forever [or at least until the end of the next cycle]. If it doesn’t, it was never yours to begin with.” When we allow our dreams to just entirely die, we’re allowing the opportunity for them to be reborn full of new life or for new and better aspirations to take their place. It’s scary because we don’t know what will happen, but if we can allow ourselves to stay in the space of not knowing for a bit, it gives way to a much deeper clarity when the time is right.

One final thing to consider is that the higher expression of every sign of the Zodiac incorporates a bit of its opposite, so it’s necessary to stay grounded in Virgo in order to realize healthy expression of Pisces. The old proverb, “Before enlightenment, chop wood; carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood; carry water,” describes this dynamic quite well. The higher expression of Pisces is very much about opening ourselves up, but in order for it to be safe to do that, we need to make sure our physical and practical needs are met. One area in which Virgo particularly excels is keeping our surroundings well organized, so de-cluttering can be an excellent way to support higher Pisces expression. Physical self-care such as eating nutritious food, maintaining a healthy sleep schedule, and getting enough physical activity are also part of Virgo’s domain. There’s much more that could be said about Virgo, of course, but the main idea here is to remember that balance is important. Take good care of yourself!

It’s okay!

I’ve recently been reminded that we heal in layers. If it seems like you’re struggling with the same old stuff that you thought you already released, it’s likely either a deeper layer or someone else’s. We unconsciously “learn” fear-based conditioning just by living in the world. There’s pain all around us, and when we process it, we walk back out into the world as healers.

The source of your pain doesn’t really matter. Treat whatever comes up for you the same as any other pain you experience. Hold it in a space of loving compassion. Allow it to just be whatever it is in the moment. While you’re processing feelings, keep reminding yourself to focus on the sensations you’re feeling instead of your thoughts about your feelings (including why they’re there and if you should be feeling that way). Take care of yourself as if you were taking care of someone you love very much who is completely dependent on you and is going through whatever you’ve been going through.

This means pampering and nourishing your body, giving yourself a serene sanctuary in which to rest, allowing yourself time your renewal, lovingly protecting yourself, meeting your needs for socialization with with people who enrich your life, doing nice little things for yourself (such as giving yourself a small frivolous gift) just to show you how much you care about you, addressing any unpleasant tasks that putting off is causing stress (either by doing it as a form of self-care or just letting yourself off the hook), feeding your heart and spirit with soul food, getting help when you need help, and just cutting yourself some slack.

Remember, we’re always perfectly imperfect. There’s no such thing as healed. There’s no finish line towards which to race. There’s nothing you need to do to make yourself worthy of love, acceptance, support, protection, peace, joy, or rest. Remember:

– It’s okay to feel the way I feel right now. Just about anyone would feel this way in this situation given ALL of the factors involved.
– This, too, shall pass.
– This is hard, but I can do hard things.
– I don’t need to understand everything right now. It’s totally okay to just not know something. If I can make peace with not knowing, whatever answers I truly need will become clear to me when the time is right.
– Everything is perfectly imperfect. Everyone is perfectly imperfect. It’s perfectly okay and even beautiful that my situation and I are not perfect and never will be.
– Happiness is always NOW. It can never be experienced in the past or future, only in the present moment.
– It’s okay to be just allow myself to happy.
– It’s also okay not to be happy right now.
– It’s okay to say no.
– It’s okay to take time to rest.
– It’s okay to ask for help.
– If I fill myself up first before giving to others, I can give from a full heart and feel blessed by the giving. If I do this, I will never be depleted or resentful, will be able to see the true needs of others more clearly, and will have SO much more to offer the world!
– Nature heals.

Take good care of yourselves! ❤

Inner Peace: What Usually Works, Why It DOESN’T Work for Everyone, and What Else Can Be Done

There is no peace without surrender.
I’m a recovering alcoholic and love addict. The love addiction is actually what drove the alcohol consumption (though, of course, there’s a genetic component to alcoholism as well), and I was not able to address one addiction without addressing the other simultaneously. Learning how to process my feelings was both the key to motivation behind and the key to my recovery, and it all comes down to surrender.
What is surrender? Many people equate surrender with passivity, resignation, or defeat. It is none of those, though it may feel that way from a position of clinging to the edge of the abyss.
Surrender is basically just radically acceptance of what is. If pain is the reality of the moment, then it is accepting that reality without resistance, judgement, hope for a certain future, will, or any concept of “supposed to”. It is about just experiencing the situation without trying to make sense of it or otherwise control it.
It is also necessary to give up all beliefs about how awful or hopeless everything is in order to surrender. This is, perhaps, the hardest part! Beliefs such as, “I will always be in pain,” or, “Things will never get better,” or, “I will never be enough,” are JUST as much a defense mechanisms as addictions and other forms of escapism. They prevent us from the most intense and terrifying of all vulnerabilities: happiness.
Surrender is releasing the notions that drive our suffering. It’s acknowledging that we don’t understand and can’t know or control what will happen and that we can no longer pretend that we’re capable of adequately preparing for or shielding ourselves from all of the intensity and pain in life, that sometimes things just really, really suck for a bit.
It’s accepting that that the experience of the present moment just is whatever it is in THAT moment, and we don’t know what to do about it, how long it will last, if there’s a way to prevent the same pain in the future, or even why it’s happening.
This is why it’s possible to be in pain and be at peace at the same time. In fact, inner peace is not dependent on the presence or absence of pain. Peace is truth. When we’re struggling to hold onto our untrue ideas about a situation, we experience turmoil in direct relation to how strongly the situation is showing us our error. When we release those beliefs and open ourselves to experiencing the situation for whatever it truly is right then and there, we have peace.
The trick is that there’s a physical component to this, too. For example, some people’s brains are wired in such a way that their emotions are overwhelming and drive their thoughts to be unrealistically negative. The unrealistically negative thoughts, memories, and beliefs then feed the emotions which feed more unrealistic negativity, and it just continues to spiral. In their case, mindful acceptance of what is can be impossible at times because intense emotional suffering is currently their natural set point.
For people who do not experience fast, incredibly profound relief from just allowing themselves to experience the reality of their pain for a bit (10 or 15 minutes), a different approach is necessary. For those individuals, steps must be taken to gradually re-wire their brains and heal their nervous systems so that they will be in a position to experience distress without being sucked into a vortex of pain and spiraling downward. Their brains are wired to remain stuck in turmoil, so pushing themselves further into it may only make things worse for them.
For such individuals, studies show that the most beneficial things they can do are to join a DBT group and learn DBT skills, to receive treatment from qualified professionals, and to have the ongoing support of loved ones who have learned about how their brains work and are committed to doing what they can to support their emotional needs. Many of the responses involved in providing this type of support seem counter-intuitive, but over time they have an incredibly healing impact on the individual. (The brain is, after all, plastic.) It takes time and practice to learn them, and it takes time for them to work. Understanding and accepting that mistakes will be made and progress will be gradual is important for success, but if you love someone with this type of struggle, it’s well worth the commitment, effort, and patience.
It’s worth noting that sometimes, a person isn’t even for DBT or even professional help yet, and in those cases, the knowledgeable and loving support of the people closest to the individual is the most critical factor for healing.
For more information, I very highly recommend checking out book Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change.

This again?!

Have you ever noticed that you can do some really amazing, deep, transformative healing, and then six months later, the same freaking thing comes back up again? I have found that it does for me, and I used to wonder why it happened and whether I was ever actually as “healed” as I thought I was.

Here’s the thing: The human mind is fantastically brilliant! Our unconscious minds compute unfathomable amounts of data from everything around us, and they are like incredibly powerful computers that can use that information to calculate things that our conscious minds cannot. The book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell explores this in detail with case studies and scientific research.

Everything we don’t even realize we see around us is computed. Even seemingly meaningless things like how well the lawns in our neighborhood are maintained and slight changes in someone’s pitch as they speak go into the calculations. The conclusions of those calculations are generally only available to us through our feelings, such as our emotions, sensations, and intuition.

Our minds develop rules for how to function to help us avoid pain, though usually we’re not consciously aware of those rules. Everything we feel changes our brains, but pain is more impactful than anything else. Our minds are so brilliant that they don’t just use our own personal experiences to create rules for how to avoid pain. They also see the evidence of the pain of others and use that information as well.

In this way, we take on the pain of others even if we don’t see the original cause of that pain. The core wound from the neighbor’s early childhood can indirectly impact us even if we never pay any attention to the neighbor. Our minds are just THAT powerful!

This is part of why you may sometimes find that you have core wounds that don’t seem to make sense based on the life that you’ve lived. Another reason is that we also have genetic memory. Scientists believe that our memories actually change our genetic material, so we pass our traumas from before having a child onto future generations through that child. Traumas experienced many generations ago due to war, practical realities of life, and social injustice can show up as core wounds even if we don’t know that they happened!

And just like other people’s core wounds can unconsciously or consciously impact us, when they heal those core wounds, the manifestations of their freedom to live their truth also impact us. When we heal our own core wounds, we walk out into the world as healers because our very presence has a healing influence on others even if they initially react negatively on the surface. This then creates a ripple effect. The people with whom we come in direct or indirect contact go on to impact others around them, and those people impact others around them, and so on. The very best thing we can do for anyone and everyone is to take very, very good care of ourselves!

Living in the world means absorbing the pain of others, and continuing to process our feelings means healing that pain not just in us, but also in others. When we heal ourselves, we’re indirectly healing everyone!

This is one of the reasons why it is unhelpful to try to figure out why you feel the way you do. You may never know, and if you make an assumption, the pain that you are experiencing will reinforce that assumption and change or reinforce your mental model. This also causes you to hold onto that pain. However, if you just go ahead and feel it without assigning meaning, you’ll likely release it. Whether or not you have an epiphany about why you felt the way you did, you’ll be better off for having processed your feelings. 🙂

Blessings ❤

“Why is this kid so freaking DIFFICULT?!” An important consideration when dealing with frequent meltdowns, temper tantrums, or aggression in small children

Do you know any young children who are difficult, uncooperative, or aggressive? If a kid younger than 5 or 6 is frequently acting this way, usually it means that there’s something with which he or she is struggling but doesn’t understand or know how to articulate. Small children NEED to be loved and accepted. From a biological standpoint, for a creature as small and helpless as a young child, acceptance by caregivers and “the pack” is necessary in order to survive. For this reason, they are generally very eager to please. They desperately want to do what’s expected of them and be well liked.
They’re also sensitive to any possible indication that they’re not loved and accepted, and for them, feeling unloved and rejected is felt as a threat to their survival.  Even things as simple as their caregivers not delighting in them or meeting their specific Love Language needs are felt on a visceral level as being unloved. This reaction is felt even more painfully when they are disciplined, scolded, or responded to with annoyance or anger, so they try very hard to avoid experiencing these things. Of course, children also need discipline, but there are things that make attempts at discipline more successful or less successful.
No matter how contrary or even violent their behavior, they’re trying their very best to fit in, get along, please their caregivers, and succeed socially. They’re trying like their life depends on it. If they’re doing things that upset people around them, it’s not because they enjoy being difficult. It’s not because they don’t care. They’re not willfully deciding to aggravate or hurt others. It’s happening because there are one or more unmet needs are overwhelming their long term survival needs.
Of course, it’s always important to consider whether a child who’s acting out is hungry, tired, sick, etc. There are also some long term conditions that can cause kids to act out over and over again.
One of the most common things that can cause or contribute to this is Sensory Processing Disorder. People with SPD experience sensory input differently than how most other people do, so an environment, object, or activity that’s comfortable or tolerable to everyone else in the room might be overwhelming or otherwise intolerable for them. When this happens to small children, they may not be able to communicate that there are too many chaotic sounds in the room, that they’re hot, that their shoes are uncomfortable, that the lights are too bright, that holding still that long is very stressful, that there are too many people too close to them, or that the tag on their shirt is aggravating them. They just go into panic mode. They can’t think or communicate effectively, and that includes listening to others no matter how clear and simple their requests may be.
When too much unpleasant or overwhelming sensory input causes them to go into fight or flight mode, they react and often lash out in illogical ways. These are not the type of emotional reactions that you can read on their face or in their voice like when they’re afraid because of a scary movie. Their expression may look angry or may have a “deer in the headlights look” instead of looking scared or pained. They may run away from their caregivers, physically attack something or someone, yell, or otherwise have a meltdown.
It is not possible to reason with or successfully discipline them while they’re in this state, and attempts to do so will only make the situation worse both short term and long term. Short term, attempts to get them to change their behavior without addressing the cause just adds to their feeling of being overwhelmed and their inability to use executive function in their brains instead of just reacting with fight or flight.
Long term, they don’t understand why they just can’t seem to behave. They want to, and they really do try their best. They think there’s something wrong with them, but they don’t know what or how to change it. They quickly begin to lose hope, believe they are unlovable, and develop psychological defense mechanisms. This manifests over the course of hours and weeks as no longer even trying to please their peers or caregivers or even claiming that they want to be bad or don’t care about hurting others. Those claims are very, very rarely true. They say these things because they cannot face the pain of rejection. Because these are their formative years, this impacts their sense of who they are and how the world works for the rest of their lives or until they heal those core wounds.
Different people with SPD have different tolerances and needs for different things, so figuring out what’s going on is largely a matter of observation and experimentation. The right technique or product (such as minimalist shoes or hearing protection) can dramatically change the child’s life and the lives, or at least comfort, of those around them. There are many great resources out there! Here are a few that I’ve found recently:
The most important thing is to look for the unmet needs instead of focusing on the behavior as a discipline problem. Yes, children absolutely need boundaries, rules, expectations, and discipline. These are excellent areas on which to focus after meeting their needs. For a kid with SPD, managing their environment so that they’re not in panic mode is a need!
Thank you. Blessings! ❤

Teach From Where You Are

For a long time, I had a lot of stuff that I was learning that I recognized as extremely valuable and wanted to share with the world. I held back because I thought, “Who am I to teach? Clearly I don’t have it all figure out! Look at my [insert random challenge here] situation!” I think this is very common, and I want to encourage you to share whatever you feel inspired to share with the world despite the fact that none of us ever have it all figured out while we’re in physical form.

There’s an ancient proverb that says that when the student is ready, the master will appear. A Course In Miracles says that we teach what we need to learn. Scientific studies have shown that the best way to learn something is to teach it. The Latin phrase Docendo discimus means, “By teaching, we learn.”

What I’d like to add to these adages is that whatever we’ve been learning, whatever inspires us, is something from which others would also benefit. Not everyone in the world wants or needs to hear it right now, but there are people who do. If you keep it to yourself, neither you nor anyone else will derive the full benefit of the lessons that Life has been offering you.

It’s normal to look back at what you were learning or teaching a decade ago and think, “Wow, I would never say that now!” about some of it. That’s perfectly okay! It’s just where you were at the time, and there’s no stage of the journey that’s better than any other. But here is the main point: Whatever you were learning then would have resonated with others who also needed that or a similar lesson at that time. If the current you when back in time and tried to offer your current lessons and inspiration to those people, it most likely wouldn’t resonate with them. They might not have even been able to hear it, much less apply it. In another decade, you may look back and think the same thing about where you are now. That’s perfectly okay, too. ❤ It still has value right now.

Write or speak your truth. Share what inspires you. It won’t resonate with everyone, but regardless, it will be of value to both you and others. Embrace the opportunities that the current moment offers. And as always, only take what resonates with you from whatever I say!

Blessings ❤

The Yin and Yang Within Each of Us

All things, including each of us, have a Yin side and a Yang side. Many people feel more comfortable with one side than the other for various reasons and therefore tend to focus more on that side, but no matter how strongly we lean one way or the other, we all have both, and there is always at least some expression of one within any expression of the other. They need the support of each other. One cannot exist without the other, and nothing can exist without both. Similar to Mind, Body, and Spirit balance, Yin and Yang are also in perfect balance within our True Self. Once again, note that balance does not mean equal focus at all times. Balance means responding to the needs of the situation by focusing on the required attributes of each side at any given moment. Balance also means that both sides of ourselves are valued equally even if we are not focusing on both equally.

Let’s take a look at what each is and how it manifests in healthy and unhealthy ways.

Yang is doing. Healthy Yang is strong, virile, logical, enterprising, protective, just, outwardly focused, leading, decisive, punctual, assertive, structured, dutiful, focused, firm, and active. It is productive and does what needs to be done despite whatever Yin emotional storm may be raging.

Yin is being. Healthy Yin is caring, emotional, nurturing, gentle, accepting, inwardly focused, yielding, sensitive, imprecise, affectionate, enigmatic, pleasant, flexible, soft, and passive. It gets what it needs by attracting support. It sees and tends to the emotional and comfort needs of itself and others in soft, sweet ways.

When Yang is unhealthy, it’s overly aggressive, angry, rigid, anxious, and domineering. When Yin is unhealthy, it’s helpless, complaining, depressive, and needy.

When they come together in a healthy way, Yin personal values and emotions motivate Yang to meet Yin’s desires and needs. Happy Yin brings the color and enjoyment to life. All of the Yang energy in the world is empty without Yin’s receptivity and appreciation of it. Yang loves to see Yin delighted, so Yin rewards Yang for its efforts by enjoying the fruits of Yang’s labors. When Yin is hurting or in danger, Yang mobilizes to defend as necessary or work to alter the situation. Yang’s drive, discipline, and ability to structure help Yin to get more enjoyment out of life by minimizing unnecessary delays, chaos, waste, etc. Yin’s awareness of emotional and physical comfort needs helps Yang avoid overwork and remember to take some time to enjoy itself. Yin can also advise Yang about how to be more agreeable to others and therefore attract cooperation.

Once again, we all have both Yin and Yang sides, and one can only function as well as the other. Regardless of our focus or level of comfort with each, one side can only be as strong and healthy as the other because they are a reflection of the strong, healthy True Self. They are also entirely interdependent. However, this does not necessarily mean that we will focus as much on one side as the other. It just means we can when we desire or need to do so.

It’s possible to have a side that’s strong and capable yet not strongly expressed because most of demands for it are being met in our environment. If, for example, the environment is incredibly Yang, such as that of boot camp in the military, we must respond by manifesting obedient Yin behavior in order to thrive. If, on the other hand, our partner is very Yin, in order for us to get along with our partner and for the couple to thrive in the world, we must demonstrate more of a Yang focus.

Also noteworthy is that we don’t naturally embody all of the traits of either side. Also, there is always at least some Yin within Yang expression and Yang within Yin expression as shown in the Yin/Yang symbol. Taijitu - Small (CW).svg  For example, someone who focuses more on Yang might be introverted and stoic rather than extroverted and lustful. A very Yin person may be more concrete than intuitive and embody Yin more through sensuality than through mystique. We’re all individuals with unique sets of characteristics that don’t fit cleanly into any model.

Without the support of the other side, neither can function in healthy ways. Yang side needs to have the nurturing support and emotional attentiveness of Yin, or it becomes uncaring. Yin side needs the protection, decisiveness, and productivity of Yang or it becomes weak. When both sides have the loving support of the other, the individual thrives. Eventually, both sides integrate the healthy traits of the other and use them as needed. It becomes impossible to tell which side is the strong side and which is the caring side. The individual is able to wisely act according to the needs of the situation, whatever they are, in any given moment.

In order to provide support to others, we must first be supported ourselves. It helps, of course, to have strong Yin and Yang support from others in our lives, but there are ways to develop it within ourselves over time. It can be done through mindfully recognizing and meeting the needs of each side within us with the strengths of the other. Allow your Yang side to remain strong and protective of your Yin side while it breaks down or enjoys itself. Allow your Yin side to nurture, inspire, and sweetly care for the emotional needs of the Yang side while it accomplishes things and makes decisions. Allow them to support each other! Both sides will immediately begin to grow stronger and healthier, and they will continue to grow over time as you practice this. You will notice rapid beneficial changes in your life.

Modalities, Elements, and Yin/Yang

Each Sign has an Element and Modality. The Modalities are a little bit similar to the Hindu trinity. The elements are like the various parts of each of us.


  • Cardinal: Create, initiate, start
  • Fixed: Preserve, maintain, continue
  • Mutable: Change, adapt, edit, conclude


  • Fire: Spirit, will, passion, decisiveness, drive, essence
  • Earth: Body, physicality, practicality, material conditions
  • Air: Mind, mental understanding, social activity, communication, knowledge, beliefs
  • Water: Emotions, Intuition


  • Yang: Fire and Air. They’re strong, detached, logical, enterprising, protective, just, outwardly focused, dominant, leading, decisive, assertive, and active. They produce or acquire what they want or need.
  • Yin: Earth and Water. They’re caring, emotionally in tune, nurturing, gentle, accepting, inwardly focused, yielding, sensitive, and passive. They attract what they want or need.


Your Divine Counterpart Has a Gift for You, And It’s Just What You Always Wanted!!!

What is it that, deep down, all of us really, truly want in life? Well, we want to understand our place in the universe. We want to truly love and be truly loved. We want to know the meaning of life. We want to fulfill our purpose. We want to really live. In short, underneath all of our searching and yearning and striving, we’re all trying to answer this basic question, “WHO AM I?” All of our questions and struggles in life essentially boil down to this simple inquiry.

Answering this question means finding true, unconditional love and acceptance. It is something that can only be experienced, not explained or understood, but what I offer here is a humble attempt to communicate my understanding of my experience in the hope that it will resonate with some people enough that they will remember how to experience it for themselves.

Why does the simple question, “Who am I?” seem so impossible to answer to our complete satisfaction? And what does this have to do with our Twin Flames? Well, let’s first take a look at why we even have to ask this question. Why don’t we already know the answer?
Well, we actually do already know the answer, or at least there’s a part of us that does. You see, there are three different, equally important aspects to each of us. I’ll call them Body, Mind, and Spirit. Each is responsible for a different area of our life. We also have Feelings, and they’re how the three aspects communicate with each other.
Mind: All of our mental activity, whether it’s conscious, repressed, or forgotten. It’s responsible for our learning, our understanding of the past and future, opinions, judgments, definitions, labels, beliefs, history, knowledge, perceptions, intellect, comprehension, language, communication, ego, etc. It does not directly experience the present moment exactly as it is happening.
Body: Our physical existence. It’s responsible for our body, health, comfort, safety, material conditions, belongings, physical activity, and other such practical or physical aspects of our personal reality. It only ever exists in the present moment, but it is impacted by the changes that occur as time passes.
Spirit: Our life energy, soul, or life. It’s responsible for our connection to Life itself, to the whole of reality, to existence, to “I am”. It’s also responsible for our identity/essence/self-awareness, “energy work”, and decision making (turning thoughts into reality). Energy can never be created or destroyed, so it’s timeless. Our awareness of the present moment, of Now, is a Spiritual experience. Our connection to Life grants us the power of intention, of creation. We have personal will and deliberate action because of it.
Feelings: Our sensations, emotions, and intuition. Our Feelings exist in the moment but are fully connected to our Body, Mind, and Spirit, so they are a reflection of the state of each of those aspects of us and they can create changes in our Bodies, Minds, and Lives (Spirits).
The above definitions are very densely packed, especially Spirit, but they’ll be explained a bit more as we continue. Basically, Spirit uses our Body to experience physical reality as it’s happening, and our experiences are then perceived by our Minds and comprehended according to our existing understanding of things we’ve previously experienced with our Body and understood with our Mind.
When we come into physical existence, we begin to learn how life on the physical plane works and build those perceptions into our Mind. Part of this understanding is how we’re similar and different from other things and people, or our Mind identity. The layers are innumerable and incredibly complex. They’re connected in ways we can’t begin to consciously sort out. This is why we cannot resolve inner disharmony by thinking about the situation more!
Now, our Spirit can connect to the whole of existence, to All, to Life itself, to Oneness. However, our Mind cannot due to our Body’s physical limitations. We’re not meant to be omniscient in our Minds or omnipresent in our physical Bodies. We’re only meant to physically experience and mentally understand an incredibly small portion of the whole of existence. We are here for a reason though, and that’s to go ahead and HAVE that experience! If we were meant to exist only as pure Oneness, we wouldn’t be in physical form.
Many spiritually focused people throughout the ages focused much more heavily on Spirit than Mind and Body and have even attempted to deny or demonize our “ego”, mind, physical desires, and personalities. My perspective is that this is as much a form of escapism as the Body’s addictions and Mind’s preoccupations. In order to know who we really, truly are, we must not only consider all three aspects equally important, but also allow them to exist in communication, balance, and harmony with each other. No matter where the imbalance, it’s always an unconscious attempt to avoid feeling our Feelings.
That said, it may be necessary to focus more heavily on Spirit while you’re remembering what that aspect of you entails, but do remember that this focus is not sustainable. If you don’t pay enough attention to the other aspects of your being, one of them will find a way to stage a coup and “seize the throne” for a while. It will demand that you meet its needs. This may mean getting sick, losing your home, or having your core wounds (inaccurate beliefs) triggered so that your “ego” takes over. This is a natural part of the process, so please do not judge yourself when it happens. The more mindful you are about balance (and therefore more in tune with your Feelings), the less frequently this will happen and the less we’ll struggle and draw it out when it does.
Having equality and balance does not mean that we focus equally on all three areas at all times. It means that we put our focus wherever it needs to be in any given moment. How are we to know when there’s imbalance or disharmony? It’s really very simple, but it’s not always easy. We pay attention to our Feelings.
A lot of people say that it’s dangerous for them to pay too much attention to their Feelings. They have had bad experiences with that, and they do not wish to repeat them! I’m here to tell you that it is not awareness of your Feelings that has caused problems for you. It’s exactly the opposite, in fact. We experience “problems” due to our Feelings when we either act out or repress them. We have the capacity, however, to simply allow them to be exactly what they are in any given moment without taking action, making decisions, judging them or ourselves for having them, or repressing them. It’s intense, but this is incredibly important in finding our True Identity. This is an entire topic in and of itself, but for now, I’ll just say that I promise you that struggle and “problems” are the result of resisting Feelings, not the result of allowing Feelings! The way out is through.
Some people are very poorly aware of their Feelings compared to others. Truthfully, this happens to all of us when we focus too much on one aspect of our being. If you want to allow yourself to feel your Feelings, pull your attention out of the area of yourself where you’ve been focusing. That is, quit doing whatever you’ve been doing to keep yourself distracted or numb. This could be working too much, drugs or alcohol, sex addiction, playing video games, watching TV, learning new stuff continuously, obsessing about your Twin Flame (or any other person), compulsively “helping” others, or a myriad of other things.
To feel your Feelings, just sit silently with yourself and turn your attention inward. Allow whatever you find there to simply exist without judging, denying, analyzing, or distracting yourself. All you need to do is notice that it’s there. Many people find it helpful to go out alone in nature to do this. Our Body is Earth, literally, as is nearly everything around us. Man made structures bring an element of Mind into those objects, so when it’s just us and Earth in all her unaltered glory, we’re automatically already a lot closer to our True Identity.
If you can’t get out alone in nature that often right now, that’s okay. Just find a way to take some time to just BE with yourself and focus your attention inward. Your thoughts will distract you. That’s totally normal and fine. Just notice what those thoughts are and turn your attention to just watching yourself again. Just notice as many of your thoughts, emotions, and sensations as you can. If this is terribly unpleasant, that’s okay! There’s no need to judge or torture yourself. Start out doing it for small blocks of time. Even just ten minutes per day to start will make a big difference.
The important things are to actually DO this and to just allow whatever is happening inside of you to fully play be whatever it is in the current moment during this time. This is particularly valuable when you’re hurting!!! Emotions are not fixed unless we hold them there with our Mind patterns. If we focus on the Feelings, we’re able to process and release them shockingly quickly. Give it a shock next time you’re upset about something and see for yourself!
The reason that the question of who we are is so difficult to answer is because it can only be experienced, not understood. We know who we truly are in the moments when we are acting on true inspiration. Some people call this working their mission or living their bliss or finding their purpose. We say, “I know what I’m meant to do!” These moments are where our Mind, Body, and Spirit overlap, harmonize, and integrate with each other. When we do this, Life is the wind in our sails. We experience “synchronicities” when we’re on the right track because we’re flowing with Life. It seems like the world is working in our favor, and that’s because it is! Life is!
Please do not confuse this peaceful, joyous, empowered, passionate state with various forms of escapism or mania. If you do not have true inner peace, the kind of peace that cannot be shaken by external circumstances, then there is not harmony among the three aspects. No one can live there all of the time when on the physical plane of existence, but the closer you get and the more time you spend there, the closer you are to harmony among the aspects, to your Truth.
Life has a way of throwing at us whatever we need to realize our Truth. Life demands we eventually remember who we really, truly are, though we do have a choice in how long we take to get there and how direct or indirect our path is. The more attached we are to our Mind Identity (including what we think we want!), the longer it will take, and the more we will suffer and struggle along the way.
Alright, what does this have to do with our Twin Flames and their gift to us? Our Twin Flames share life energy with us and through this energetic connection have developed a “compatible” Mind Identity. Our entire world is a direct reflection of our Mind Identity, but we see our reflection most clearly in our Twin Flames because their Mind Identity (combined with all of the Life stuff that Spirit throws at us) is exactly what we need in order to realize our True Identity. They are our mirror.
Have you wondered why the Twin Flame Journey involves the highest of highs and lowest of lows? It’s because our Divine Counterpart is uniquely capable of bringing us into our Feelings. This feels wonderful when it means catching glimpses of who we truly are, and it feels torturous when they and Life show us all of the ways we are not living our Truth. They hurt us over and over again because they’re showing us that there’s something that we’re looking for outside of ourselves that no one can give us except ourselves. We are the only ones who can fill our void, and we have to unlearn many Mind patterns and see many of our illusions before we can see how we’re able to do this. The pain is showing us where our Mind Identity and our beliefs about how the world works are inaccurate. When we act out or repress the pain, it becomes the worst suffering we’ve ever experienced in our lives. That’s where the “running” and “chasing” come into play! They’re both attempts to avoid our own Feelings because we do not know that we are capable of facing them or that we will find true relief and joy once we do.
Another reason our Twin Flame is uniquely suited to hurt us… I mean, to show us our disharmony… is because we cannot escape them. No matter how long, hard, or far we try to run, we always wind up right back in front of them again. “Wherever you go, there you are.” If we were able to escape, we would, and we wouldn’t heal the way we need to heal in order to find our True Identity.
You see, the main reason we aren’t already living our Truth is because there are flaws in our assumptions. Our Mind is beautiful, but it’s never right, and it generally believes that it is and will fight very, very hard to prove it. Our Mind Identity fights for it’s life, in fact! No wonder the Awakening/Twin Flame Journey (the Twin Flame Journey is the Awakening Journey) is such a struggle! When I say it’s never “right”, what I mean is that the Mind cannot understand reality/Truth. Reality can be experienced, but as we perceive and process those experiences, they become mental abstractions. They’re thoughts about reality, not reality itself. The Mind is also not capable of taking in the vastness of the whole of existence. It just does its best with what information it has.
We have a tendency to take our thoughts way too seriously. After all, we often believe that they’re who we are and how the world works. When we lose a piece of that, it literally feels like a part of us is dying. If it’s a big piece, we may want to die! This death wish is the gift our Twin Flame gives us. It is only then and there we are aware of the need and capable of surrendering pieces of our Mind Identity that do not fit our True Self.
The only way to do this is to find some self-compassion. If we’re too critical of ourselves during this process, we will not physically survive it. This is why Life does not bring us our Twin Flames until we’re ready for them, and it’s why periods of separation are necessary until we reach a certain point in our journey. Some people will meet their Twin Flame as a mature soul, but they quickly repel each other and do not come back together again in that lifetime unless they awaken to the stage of old soul. Lasting union is not possible until we’re old souls. (This is one of the reasons I love working with Twin Flames, by the way!) Don’t despair if it seems like you or your Twin Flame is not there yet, however. We mature throughout each lifetime, and it happens very quickly once we meet our Twin Flames.
Also, remember that we both bring out the worst in each other so we can show each other the areas that need to be healed. When they look psycho (or whatever other lovely term your Mind has labeled them), you’re seeing both their and your insecurities and pain. You’re seeing the worst each of your Mind Identities has to offer in those moments, not your True Identities. All that pain is coming to the surface to be healed. Be as patient and compassionate as you’re currently able with both you and your Twin Flame during this process. Also, do you very best not to focus on the past. You’re both growing very rapidly. Neither of you has the same Mind Identity that you did last week much less before or during a previous separation! Try to let all of that stuff go. There’s no reason to hang onto it, unless, of course, there’s still something to heal. If that’s the case, recognize that it’s your core wound that you’re actually feeling, not something your Twin Flame said or did.
So here’s the gold, the beauty of the gift, the thing that makes it all worth it a thousand times over: In order to realize our True Identity, we have to connect strongly with Spirit, heal our Mind, and take excellent care of our Body. We cannot face ourselves until we accept ourselves, and we must first find Unconditional Love in order to do so. Unconditional Love is another term for Connection, Oneness, Life. This happens incrementally because we need to release our illusions in order to connect to Unconditional Love, but we need a certain amount of unconditional self-love and self-acceptance in order to give ourselves the compassion we need in order to feel our pain and release our illusions. It sounds like a catch 22, but it’s really more of a cycle. A process. A journey. Our Twin Flame Journey. As we heal our core wounds enough to allow us to spend more time truly feeling our Feelings, we find the balance and harmony necessary to more fully live our Truth.
What is self-love, anyways? How do we do it? We ask ourselves what we need, and then we give it to ourselves. Our Divine Counterparts do a great job of helping us with this because they will very stubbornly refuse to give us what we need until we don’t need it from them anymore, so whatever it is you think you want from your Twin Flame, give it to yourself! Do you want more of their time and attention? Take some “me time” and focus on yourself! Do you want their physical touch and presence? Be more aware of your own physical presence and the physical aspects of your life. Do you want their adoration and appreciation? Look for the things you adore and appreciate about yourself. Do you want them to comfort and calm you? Comfort and calm yourself. Do you want them to make you feel attractive? Make yourself feel attractive!
Also, if there are things you see in your Twin Flame that you cannot tolerate or blame for the separation, look for the same exact traits in yourself. They’re also a mirror to us in this way, and these areas are an important part of our healing, too.
There is nothing we truly need in life that Life will not provide if we allow it to flow through us unrestricted. It all comes from the same infinitely abundant Source, and that Source is pure, Unconditional Love. Ask yourself what you can do to allow it to flow freely into and through you. You must fill yourself with love before you will be in a position to truly love others. After all, your world is a reflection of you. If you are deeply hurting, you will have intimacy, creativity, abundance, and/or other mental blocks. Whatever you think your Twin Flame or Life is withholding from you, you are withholding from yourself. Give it to yourself so you can then give it to others, and soon you will find others giving more of it to you than you ever imagined.
Once you have removed the bulk of these blocks, you will be in a position to come into and stay in Union with your Twin Flame. Do not worry about what it looks like your Twin Flame is doing or not doing on the surface level. Your Twin Flame cannot stop triggering your core wounds until you heal them, so you will be surprised to find how quickly they come around and start acting even more loving than you had hoped once you truly love and accept yourself and heal your core wounds/release your illusions.
So what is the ultimate gift that our Twin Flames give us? Ourselves, which is the thing each of us really, truly wants more than anything. They do it by giving us whatever type of support or pain we need in order to find true self-love, self-acceptance, and self-sufficiency, and they go through the same torture that we do (whether it looks like it or not) in order to do it! They’re our heroes. ❤ And they ARE us! No matter how angelic we like to believe we are, we’re hurting them as much as they’re hurting us. We have to do this for them, just like they have to do it for us. We will come to love and accept these parts of ourselves, too. Our Divine Counterparts heal in layers complimentary to the layers we are healing. This is why we cannot outgrow or move on from them. We have truly met our match!

Whatever is going on right now in your individual journey, I invite each of you take a moment to feel gratitude for and bless yourself, your Twin Flame, and your Divine connection with pure, Unconditional Love. ❤