Category: Uncategorized

Inner Peace: What Usually Works, Why It DOESN’T Work for Everyone, and What Else Can Be Done

There is no peace without surrender.
 
I’m a recovering alcoholic and love addict. The love addiction is actually what drove the alcohol consumption (though, of course, there’s a genetic component to alcoholism as well), and I was not able to address one addiction without addressing the other simultaneously. Learning how to process my feelings was both the key to motivation behind and the key to my recovery, and it all comes down to surrender.
 
What is surrender? Many people equate surrender with passivity, resignation, or defeat. It is none of those, though it may feel that way from a position of clinging to the edge of the abyss.
 
Surrender is basically just radically acceptance of what is. If pain is the reality of the moment, then it is accepting that reality without resistance, judgement, hope for a certain future, will, or any concept of “supposed to”. It is about just experiencing the situation without trying to make sense of it or otherwise control it.
 
It is also necessary to give up all beliefs about how awful or hopeless everything is in order to surrender. This is, perhaps, the hardest part! Beliefs such as, “I will always be in pain,” or, “Things will never get better,” or, “I will never be enough,” are JUST as much a defense mechanisms as addictions and other forms of escapism. They prevent us from the most intense and terrifying of all vulnerabilities: happiness.
 
Surrender is releasing the notions that drive our suffering. It’s acknowledging that we don’t understand and can’t know or control what will happen and that we can no longer pretend that we’re capable of adequately preparing for or shielding ourselves from all of the intensity and pain in life, that sometimes things just really, really suck for a bit.
 
It’s accepting that that the experience of the present moment just is whatever it is in THAT moment, and we don’t know what to do about it, how long it will last, if there’s a way to prevent the same pain in the future, or even why it’s happening.
 
This is why it’s possible to be in pain and be at peace at the same time. In fact, inner peace is not dependent on the presence or absence of pain. Peace is truth. When we’re struggling to hold onto our untrue ideas about a situation, we experience turmoil in direct relation to how strongly the situation is showing us our error. When we release those beliefs and open ourselves to experiencing the situation for whatever it truly is right then and there, we have peace.
 
The trick is that there’s a physical component to this, too. For example, some people’s brains are wired in such a way that their emotions are overwhelming and drive their thoughts to be unrealistically negative. The unrealistically negative thoughts, memories, and beliefs then feed the emotions which feed more unrealistic negativity, and it just continues to spiral. In their case, mindful acceptance of what is can be impossible at times because intense emotional suffering is currently their natural set point.
For people who do not experience fast, incredibly profound relief from just allowing themselves to experience the reality of their pain for a bit (10 or 15 minutes), a different approach is necessary. For those individuals, steps must be taken to gradually re-wire their brains and heal their nervous systems so that they will be in a position to experience distress without being sucked into a vortex of pain and spiraling downward. Their brains are wired to remain stuck in turmoil, so pushing themselves further into it may only make things worse for them.
 
For such individuals, studies show that the most beneficial things they can do are to join a DBT group and learn DBT skills, to receive treatment from qualified professionals, and to have the ongoing support of loved ones who have learned about how their brains work and are committed to doing what they can to support their emotional needs. Many of the responses involved in providing this type of support seem counter-intuitive, but over time they have an incredibly healing impact on the individual. (The brain is, after all, plastic.) It takes time and practice to learn them, and it takes time for them to work. Understanding and accepting that mistakes will be made and progress will be gradual is important for success, but if you love someone with this type of struggle, it’s well worth the commitment, effort, and patience.
It’s worth noting that sometimes, a person isn’t even for DBT or even professional help yet, and in those cases, the knowledgeable and loving support of the people closest to the individual is the most critical factor for healing.
For more information, I very highly recommend checking out book Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change.

This again?!

Have you ever noticed that you can do some really amazing, deep, transformative healing, and then six months later, the same freaking thing comes back up again? I have found that it does for me, and I used to wonder why it happened and whether I was ever actually as “healed” as I thought I was.

Here’s the thing: The human mind is fantastically brilliant! Our unconscious minds compute unfathomable amounts of data from everything around us, and they are like incredibly powerful computers that can use that information to calculate things that our conscious minds cannot. The book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell explores this in detail with case studies and scientific research.

Everything we don’t even realize we see around us is computed. Even seemingly meaningless things like how well the lawns in our neighborhood are maintained and slight changes in someone’s pitch as they speak go into the calculations. The conclusions of those calculations are generally only available to us through our feelings, such as our emotions, sensations, and intuition.

Our minds develop rules for how to function to help us avoid pain, though usually we’re not consciously aware of those rules. Everything we feel changes our brains, but pain is more impactful than anything else. Our minds are so brilliant that they don’t just use our own personal experiences to create rules for how to avoid pain. They also see the evidence of the pain of others and use that information as well.

In this way, we take on the pain of others even if we don’t see the original cause of that pain. The core wound from the neighbor’s early childhood can indirectly impact us even if we never pay any attention to the neighbor. Our minds are just THAT powerful!

This is part of why you may sometimes find that you have core wounds that don’t seem to make sense based on the life that you’ve lived. Another reason is that we also have genetic memory. Scientists believe that our memories actually change our genetic material, so we pass our traumas from before having a child onto future generations through that child. Traumas experienced many generations ago due to war, practical realities of life, and social injustice can show up as core wounds even if we don’t know that they happened!

And just like other people’s core wounds can unconsciously or consciously impact us, when they heal those core wounds, the manifestations of their freedom to live their truth also impact us. When we heal our own core wounds, we walk out into the world as healers because our very presence has a healing influence on others even if they initially react negatively on the surface. This then creates a ripple effect. The people with whom we come in direct or indirect contact go on to impact others around them, and those people impact others around them, and so on. The very best thing we can do for anyone and everyone is to take very, very good care of ourselves!

Living in the world means absorbing the pain of others, and continuing to process our feelings means healing that pain not just in us, but also in others. When we heal ourselves, we’re indirectly healing everyone!

This is one of the reasons why it is unhelpful to try to figure out why you feel the way you do. You may never know, and if you make an assumption, the pain that you are experiencing will reinforce that assumption and change or reinforce your mental model. This also causes you to hold onto that pain. However, if you just go ahead and feel it without assigning meaning, you’ll likely release it. Whether or not you have an epiphany about why you felt the way you did, you’ll be better off for having processed your feelings. 🙂

Blessings ❤

“Why is this kid so freaking DIFFICULT?!” An important consideration when dealing with frequent meltdowns, temper tantrums, or aggression in small children

Do you know any young children who are difficult, uncooperative, or aggressive? If a kid younger than 5 or 6 is frequently acting this way, usually it means that there’s something with which he or she is struggling but doesn’t understand or know how to articulate. Small children NEED to be loved and accepted. From a biological standpoint, for a creature as small and helpless as a young child, acceptance by caregivers and “the pack” is necessary in order to survive. For this reason, they are generally very eager to please. They desperately want to do what’s expected of them and be well liked.
They’re also sensitive to any possible indication that they’re not loved and accepted, and for them, feeling unloved and rejected is felt as a threat to their survival.  Even things as simple as their caregivers not delighting in them or meeting their specific Love Language needs are felt on a visceral level as being unloved. This reaction is felt even more painfully when they are disciplined, scolded, or responded to with annoyance or anger, so they try very hard to avoid experiencing these things. Of course, children also need discipline, but there are things that make attempts at discipline more successful or less successful.
No matter how contrary or even violent their behavior, they’re trying their very best to fit in, get along, please their caregivers, and succeed socially. They’re trying like their life depends on it. If they’re doing things that upset people around them, it’s not because they enjoy being difficult. It’s not because they don’t care. They’re not willfully deciding to aggravate or hurt others. It’s happening because there are one or more unmet needs are overwhelming their long term survival needs.
Of course, it’s always important to consider whether a child who’s acting out is hungry, tired, sick, etc. There are also some long term conditions that can cause kids to act out over and over again.
 
One of the most common things that can cause or contribute to this is Sensory Processing Disorder. People with SPD experience sensory input differently than how most other people do, so an environment, object, or activity that’s comfortable or tolerable to everyone else in the room might be overwhelming or otherwise intolerable for them. When this happens to small children, they may not be able to communicate that there are too many chaotic sounds in the room, that they’re hot, that their shoes are uncomfortable, that the lights are too bright, that holding still that long is very stressful, that there are too many people too close to them, or that the tag on their shirt is aggravating them. They just go into panic mode. They can’t think or communicate effectively, and that includes listening to others no matter how clear and simple their requests may be.
When too much unpleasant or overwhelming sensory input causes them to go into fight or flight mode, they react and often lash out in illogical ways. These are not the type of emotional reactions that you can read on their face or in their voice like when they’re afraid because of a scary movie. Their expression may look angry or may have a “deer in the headlights look” instead of looking scared or pained. They may run away from their caregivers, physically attack something or someone, yell, or otherwise have a meltdown.
It is not possible to reason with or successfully discipline them while they’re in this state, and attempts to do so will only make the situation worse both short term and long term. Short term, attempts to get them to change their behavior without addressing the cause just adds to their feeling of being overwhelmed and their inability to use executive function in their brains instead of just reacting with fight or flight.
Long term, they don’t understand why they just can’t seem to behave. They want to, and they really do try their best. They think there’s something wrong with them, but they don’t know what or how to change it. They quickly begin to lose hope, believe they are unlovable, and develop psychological defense mechanisms. This manifests over the course of hours and weeks as no longer even trying to please their peers or caregivers or even claiming that they want to be bad or don’t care about hurting others. Those claims are very, very rarely true. They say these things because they cannot face the pain of rejection. Because these are their formative years, this impacts their sense of who they are and how the world works for the rest of their lives or until they heal those core wounds.
Different people with SPD have different tolerances and needs for different things, so figuring out what’s going on is largely a matter of observation and experimentation. The right technique or product (such as minimalist shoes or hearing protection) can dramatically change the child’s life and the lives, or at least comfort, of those around them. There are many great resources out there! Here are a few that I’ve found recently:
The most important thing is to look for the unmet needs instead of focusing on the behavior as a discipline problem. Yes, children absolutely need boundaries, rules, expectations, and discipline. These are excellent areas on which to focus after meeting their needs. For a kid with SPD, managing their environment so that they’re not in panic mode is a need!
Thank you. Blessings! ❤

Teach From Where You Are

For a long time, I had a lot of stuff that I was learning that I recognized as extremely valuable and wanted to share with the world. I held back because I thought, “Who am I to teach? Clearly I don’t have it all figure out! Look at my [insert random challenge here] situation!” I think this is very common, and I want to encourage you to share whatever you feel inspired to share with the world despite the fact that none of us ever have it all figured out while we’re in physical form.

There’s an ancient proverb that says that when the student is ready, the master will appear. A Course In Miracles says that we teach what we need to learn. Scientific studies have shown that the best way to learn something is to teach it. The Latin phrase Docendo discimus means, “By teaching, we learn.”

What I’d like to add to these adages is that whatever we’ve been learning, whatever inspires us, is something from which others would also benefit. Not everyone in the world wants or needs to hear it right now, but there are people who do. If you keep it to yourself, neither you nor anyone else will derive the full benefit of the lessons that Life has been offering you.

It’s normal to look back at what you were learning or teaching a decade ago and think, “Wow, I would never say that now!” about some of it. That’s perfectly okay! It’s just where you were at the time, and there’s no stage of the journey that’s better than any other. But here is the main point: Whatever you were learning then would have resonated with others who also needed that or a similar lesson at that time. If the current you when back in time and tried to offer your current lessons and inspiration to those people, it most likely wouldn’t resonate with them. They might not have even been able to hear it, much less apply it. In another decade, you may look back and think the same thing about where you are now. That’s perfectly okay, too. ❤ It still has value right now.

Write or speak your truth. Share what inspires you. It won’t resonate with everyone, but regardless, it will be of value to both you and others. Embrace the opportunities that the current moment offers. And as always, only take what resonates with you from whatever I say!

Blessings ❤

The Yin and Yang Within Each of Us

All things, including each of us, have a Yin side and a Yang side. Many people feel more comfortable with one side than the other for various reasons and therefore tend to focus more on that side, but no matter how strongly we lean one way or the other, we all have both, and there is always at least some expression of one within any expression of the other. They need the support of each other. One cannot exist without the other, and nothing can exist without both. Similar to Mind, Body, and Spirit balance, Yin and Yang are also in perfect balance within our True Self. Once again, note that balance does not mean equal focus at all times. Balance means responding to the needs of the situation by focusing on the required attributes of each side at any given moment. Balance also means that both sides of ourselves are valued equally even if we are not focusing on both equally.

Let’s take a look at what each is and how it manifests in healthy and unhealthy ways.

Yang is doing. Healthy Yang is strong, virile, logical, enterprising, protective, just, outwardly focused, leading, decisive, punctual, assertive, structured, dutiful, focused, firm, and active. It is productive and does what needs to be done despite whatever Yin emotional storm may be raging.

Yin is being. Healthy Yin is caring, emotional, nurturing, gentle, accepting, inwardly focused, yielding, sensitive, imprecise, affectionate, enigmatic, pleasant, flexible, soft, and passive. It gets what it needs by attracting support. It sees and tends to the emotional and comfort needs of itself and others in soft, sweet ways.

When Yang is unhealthy, it’s overly aggressive, angry, rigid, anxious, and domineering. When Yin is unhealthy, it’s helpless, complaining, depressive, and needy.

When they come together in a healthy way, Yin personal values and emotions motivate Yang to meet Yin’s desires and needs. Happy Yin brings the color and enjoyment to life. All of the Yang energy in the world is empty without Yin’s receptivity and appreciation of it. Yang loves to see Yin delighted, so Yin rewards Yang for its efforts by enjoying the fruits of Yang’s labors. When Yin is hurting or in danger, Yang mobilizes to defend as necessary or work to alter the situation. Yang’s drive, discipline, and ability to structure help Yin to get more enjoyment out of life by minimizing unnecessary delays, chaos, waste, etc. Yin’s awareness of emotional and physical comfort needs helps Yang avoid overwork and remember to take some time to enjoy itself. Yin can also advise Yang about how to be more agreeable to others and therefore attract cooperation.

Once again, we all have both Yin and Yang sides, and one can only function as well as the other. Regardless of our focus or level of comfort with each, one side can only be as strong and healthy as the other because they are a reflection of the strong, healthy True Self. They are also entirely interdependent. However, this does not necessarily mean that we will focus as much on one side as the other. It just means we can when we desire or need to do so.

It’s possible to have a side that’s strong and capable yet not strongly expressed because most of demands for it are being met in our environment. If, for example, the environment is incredibly Yang, such as that of boot camp in the military, we must respond by manifesting obedient Yin behavior in order to thrive. If, on the other hand, our partner is very Yin, in order for us to get along with our partner and for the couple to thrive in the world, we must demonstrate more of a Yang focus.

Also noteworthy is that we don’t naturally embody all of the traits of either side. Also, there is always at least some Yin within Yang expression and Yang within Yin expression as shown in the Yin/Yang symbol. Taijitu - Small (CW).svg  For example, someone who focuses more on Yang might be introverted and stoic rather than extroverted and lustful. A very Yin person may be more concrete than intuitive and embody Yin more through sensuality than through mystique. We’re all individuals with unique sets of characteristics that don’t fit cleanly into any model.

Without the support of the other side, neither can function in healthy ways. Yang side needs to have the nurturing support and emotional attentiveness of Yin, or it becomes uncaring. Yin side needs the protection, decisiveness, and productivity of Yang or it becomes weak. When both sides have the loving support of the other, the individual thrives. Eventually, both sides integrate the healthy traits of the other and use them as needed. It becomes impossible to tell which side is the strong side and which is the caring side. The individual is able to wisely act according to the needs of the situation, whatever they are, in any given moment.

In order to provide support to others, we must first be supported ourselves. It helps, of course, to have strong Yin and Yang support from others in our lives, but there are ways to develop it within ourselves over time. It can be done through mindfully recognizing and meeting the needs of each side within us with the strengths of the other. Allow your Yang side to remain strong and protective of your Yin side while it breaks down or enjoys itself. Allow your Yin side to nurture, inspire, and sweetly care for the emotional needs of the Yang side while it accomplishes things and makes decisions. Allow them to support each other! Both sides will immediately begin to grow stronger and healthier, and they will continue to grow over time as you practice this. You will notice rapid beneficial changes in your life.

Modalities, Elements, and Yin/Yang

Each Sign has an Element and Modality. The Modalities are a little bit similar to the Hindu trinity. The elements are like the various parts of each of us.

Modalities

  • Cardinal: Create, initiate, start
  • Fixed: Preserve, maintain, continue
  • Mutable: Change, adapt, edit, conclude

Elements

  • Fire: Spirit, will, passion, decisiveness, drive, essence
  • Earth: Body, physicality, practicality, material conditions
  • Air: Mind, mental understanding, social activity, communication, knowledge, beliefs
  • Water: Emotions, Intuition

Yin/Yang

  • Yang: Fire and Air. They’re strong, detached, logical, enterprising, protective, just, outwardly focused, dominant, leading, decisive, assertive, and active. They produce or acquire what they want or need.
  • Yin: Earth and Water. They’re caring, emotionally in tune, nurturing, gentle, accepting, inwardly focused, yielding, sensitive, and passive. They attract what they want or need.

 

Your Divine Counterpart Has a Gift for You, And It’s Just What You Always Wanted!!!

What is it that, deep down, all of us really, truly want in life? Well, we want to understand our place in the universe. We want to truly love and be truly loved. We want to know the meaning of life. We want to fulfill our purpose. We want to really live. In short, underneath all of our searching and yearning and striving, we’re all trying to answer this basic question, “WHO AM I?” All of our questions and struggles in life essentially boil down to this simple inquiry.

Answering this question means finding true, unconditional love and acceptance. It is something that can only be experienced, not explained or understood, but what I offer here is a humble attempt to communicate my understanding of my experience in the hope that it will resonate with some people enough that they will remember how to experience it for themselves.

Why does the simple question, “Who am I?” seem so impossible to answer to our complete satisfaction? And what does this have to do with our Twin Flames? Well, let’s first take a look at why we even have to ask this question. Why don’t we already know the answer?
Well, we actually do already know the answer, or at least there’s a part of us that does. You see, there are three different, equally important aspects to each of us. I’ll call them Body, Mind, and Spirit. Each is responsible for a different area of our life. We also have Feelings, and they’re how the three aspects communicate with each other.
Mind: All of our mental activity, whether it’s conscious, repressed, or forgotten. It’s responsible for our learning, our understanding of the past and future, opinions, judgments, definitions, labels, beliefs, history, knowledge, perceptions, intellect, comprehension, language, communication, ego, etc. It does not directly experience the present moment exactly as it is happening.
Body: Our physical existence. It’s responsible for our body, health, comfort, safety, material conditions, belongings, physical activity, and other such practical or physical aspects of our personal reality. It only ever exists in the present moment, but it is impacted by the changes that occur as time passes.
Spirit: Our life energy, soul, or life. It’s responsible for our connection to Life itself, to the whole of reality, to existence, to “I am”. It’s also responsible for our identity/essence/self-awareness, “energy work”, and decision making (turning thoughts into reality). Energy can never be created or destroyed, so it’s timeless. Our awareness of the present moment, of Now, is a Spiritual experience. Our connection to Life grants us the power of intention, of creation. We have personal will and deliberate action because of it.
Feelings: Our sensations, emotions, and intuition. Our Feelings exist in the moment but are fully connected to our Body, Mind, and Spirit, so they are a reflection of the state of each of those aspects of us and they can create changes in our Bodies, Minds, and Lives (Spirits).
The above definitions are very densely packed, especially Spirit, but they’ll be explained a bit more as we continue. Basically, Spirit uses our Body to experience physical reality as it’s happening, and our experiences are then perceived by our Minds and comprehended according to our existing understanding of things we’ve previously experienced with our Body and understood with our Mind.
When we come into physical existence, we begin to learn how life on the physical plane works and build those perceptions into our Mind. Part of this understanding is how we’re similar and different from other things and people, or our Mind identity. The layers are innumerable and incredibly complex. They’re connected in ways we can’t begin to consciously sort out. This is why we cannot resolve inner disharmony by thinking about the situation more!
Now, our Spirit can connect to the whole of existence, to All, to Life itself, to Oneness. However, our Mind cannot due to our Body’s physical limitations. We’re not meant to be omniscient in our Minds or omnipresent in our physical Bodies. We’re only meant to physically experience and mentally understand an incredibly small portion of the whole of existence. We are here for a reason though, and that’s to go ahead and HAVE that experience! If we were meant to exist only as pure Oneness, we wouldn’t be in physical form.
Many spiritually focused people throughout the ages focused much more heavily on Spirit than Mind and Body and have even attempted to deny or demonize our “ego”, mind, physical desires, and personalities. My perspective is that this is as much a form of escapism as the Body’s addictions and Mind’s preoccupations. In order to know who we really, truly are, we must not only consider all three aspects equally important, but also allow them to exist in communication, balance, and harmony with each other. No matter where the imbalance, it’s always an unconscious attempt to avoid feeling our Feelings.
That said, it may be necessary to focus more heavily on Spirit while you’re remembering what that aspect of you entails, but do remember that this focus is not sustainable. If you don’t pay enough attention to the other aspects of your being, one of them will find a way to stage a coup and “seize the throne” for a while. It will demand that you meet its needs. This may mean getting sick, losing your home, or having your core wounds (inaccurate beliefs) triggered so that your “ego” takes over. This is a natural part of the process, so please do not judge yourself when it happens. The more mindful you are about balance (and therefore more in tune with your Feelings), the less frequently this will happen and the less we’ll struggle and draw it out when it does.
Having equality and balance does not mean that we focus equally on all three areas at all times. It means that we put our focus wherever it needs to be in any given moment. How are we to know when there’s imbalance or disharmony? It’s really very simple, but it’s not always easy. We pay attention to our Feelings.
A lot of people say that it’s dangerous for them to pay too much attention to their Feelings. They have had bad experiences with that, and they do not wish to repeat them! I’m here to tell you that it is not awareness of your Feelings that has caused problems for you. It’s exactly the opposite, in fact. We experience “problems” due to our Feelings when we either act out or repress them. We have the capacity, however, to simply allow them to be exactly what they are in any given moment without taking action, making decisions, judging them or ourselves for having them, or repressing them. It’s intense, but this is incredibly important in finding our True Identity. This is an entire topic in and of itself, but for now, I’ll just say that I promise you that struggle and “problems” are the result of resisting Feelings, not the result of allowing Feelings! The way out is through.
Some people are very poorly aware of their Feelings compared to others. Truthfully, this happens to all of us when we focus too much on one aspect of our being. If you want to allow yourself to feel your Feelings, pull your attention out of the area of yourself where you’ve been focusing. That is, quit doing whatever you’ve been doing to keep yourself distracted or numb. This could be working too much, drugs or alcohol, sex addiction, playing video games, watching TV, learning new stuff continuously, obsessing about your Twin Flame (or any other person), compulsively “helping” others, or a myriad of other things.
To feel your Feelings, just sit silently with yourself and turn your attention inward. Allow whatever you find there to simply exist without judging, denying, analyzing, or distracting yourself. All you need to do is notice that it’s there. Many people find it helpful to go out alone in nature to do this. Our Body is Earth, literally, as is nearly everything around us. Man made structures bring an element of Mind into those objects, so when it’s just us and Earth in all her unaltered glory, we’re automatically already a lot closer to our True Identity.
If you can’t get out alone in nature that often right now, that’s okay. Just find a way to take some time to just BE with yourself and focus your attention inward. Your thoughts will distract you. That’s totally normal and fine. Just notice what those thoughts are and turn your attention to just watching yourself again. Just notice as many of your thoughts, emotions, and sensations as you can. If this is terribly unpleasant, that’s okay! There’s no need to judge or torture yourself. Start out doing it for small blocks of time. Even just ten minutes per day to start will make a big difference.
The important things are to actually DO this and to just allow whatever is happening inside of you to fully play be whatever it is in the current moment during this time. This is particularly valuable when you’re hurting!!! Emotions are not fixed unless we hold them there with our Mind patterns. If we focus on the Feelings, we’re able to process and release them shockingly quickly. Give it a shock next time you’re upset about something and see for yourself!
The reason that the question of who we are is so difficult to answer is because it can only be experienced, not understood. We know who we truly are in the moments when we are acting on true inspiration. Some people call this working their mission or living their bliss or finding their purpose. We say, “I know what I’m meant to do!” These moments are where our Mind, Body, and Spirit overlap, harmonize, and integrate with each other. When we do this, Life is the wind in our sails. We experience “synchronicities” when we’re on the right track because we’re flowing with Life. It seems like the world is working in our favor, and that’s because it is! Life is!
Please do not confuse this peaceful, joyous, empowered, passionate state with various forms of escapism or mania. If you do not have true inner peace, the kind of peace that cannot be shaken by external circumstances, then there is not harmony among the three aspects. No one can live there all of the time when on the physical plane of existence, but the closer you get and the more time you spend there, the closer you are to harmony among the aspects, to your Truth.
Life has a way of throwing at us whatever we need to realize our Truth. Life demands we eventually remember who we really, truly are, though we do have a choice in how long we take to get there and how direct or indirect our path is. The more attached we are to our Mind Identity (including what we think we want!), the longer it will take, and the more we will suffer and struggle along the way.
Alright, what does this have to do with our Twin Flames and their gift to us? Our Twin Flames share life energy with us and through this energetic connection have developed a “compatible” Mind Identity. Our entire world is a direct reflection of our Mind Identity, but we see our reflection most clearly in our Twin Flames because their Mind Identity (combined with all of the Life stuff that Spirit throws at us) is exactly what we need in order to realize our True Identity. They are our mirror.
Have you wondered why the Twin Flame Journey involves the highest of highs and lowest of lows? It’s because our Divine Counterpart is uniquely capable of bringing us into our Feelings. This feels wonderful when it means catching glimpses of who we truly are, and it feels torturous when they and Life show us all of the ways we are not living our Truth. They hurt us over and over again because they’re showing us that there’s something that we’re looking for outside of ourselves that no one can give us except ourselves. We are the only ones who can fill our void, and we have to unlearn many Mind patterns and see many of our illusions before we can see how we’re able to do this. The pain is showing us where our Mind Identity and our beliefs about how the world works are inaccurate. When we act out or repress the pain, it becomes the worst suffering we’ve ever experienced in our lives. That’s where the “running” and “chasing” come into play! They’re both attempts to avoid our own Feelings because we do not know that we are capable of facing them or that we will find true relief and joy once we do.
Another reason our Twin Flame is uniquely suited to hurt us… I mean, to show us our disharmony… is because we cannot escape them. No matter how long, hard, or far we try to run, we always wind up right back in front of them again. “Wherever you go, there you are.” If we were able to escape, we would, and we wouldn’t heal the way we need to heal in order to find our True Identity.
You see, the main reason we aren’t already living our Truth is because there are flaws in our assumptions. Our Mind is beautiful, but it’s never right, and it generally believes that it is and will fight very, very hard to prove it. Our Mind Identity fights for it’s life, in fact! No wonder the Awakening/Twin Flame Journey (the Twin Flame Journey is the Awakening Journey) is such a struggle! When I say it’s never “right”, what I mean is that the Mind cannot understand reality/Truth. Reality can be experienced, but as we perceive and process those experiences, they become mental abstractions. They’re thoughts about reality, not reality itself. The Mind is also not capable of taking in the vastness of the whole of existence. It just does its best with what information it has.
We have a tendency to take our thoughts way too seriously. After all, we often believe that they’re who we are and how the world works. When we lose a piece of that, it literally feels like a part of us is dying. If it’s a big piece, we may want to die! This death wish is the gift our Twin Flame gives us. It is only then and there we are aware of the need and capable of surrendering pieces of our Mind Identity that do not fit our True Self.
The only way to do this is to find some self-compassion. If we’re too critical of ourselves during this process, we will not physically survive it. This is why Life does not bring us our Twin Flames until we’re ready for them, and it’s why periods of separation are necessary until we reach a certain point in our journey. Some people will meet their Twin Flame as a mature soul, but they quickly repel each other and do not come back together again in that lifetime unless they awaken to the stage of old soul. Lasting union is not possible until we’re old souls. (This is one of the reasons I love working with Twin Flames, by the way!) Don’t despair if it seems like you or your Twin Flame is not there yet, however. We mature throughout each lifetime, and it happens very quickly once we meet our Twin Flames.
Also, remember that we both bring out the worst in each other so we can show each other the areas that need to be healed. When they look psycho (or whatever other lovely term your Mind has labeled them), you’re seeing both their and your insecurities and pain. You’re seeing the worst each of your Mind Identities has to offer in those moments, not your True Identities. All that pain is coming to the surface to be healed. Be as patient and compassionate as you’re currently able with both you and your Twin Flame during this process. Also, do you very best not to focus on the past. You’re both growing very rapidly. Neither of you has the same Mind Identity that you did last week much less before or during a previous separation! Try to let all of that stuff go. There’s no reason to hang onto it, unless, of course, there’s still something to heal. If that’s the case, recognize that it’s your core wound that you’re actually feeling, not something your Twin Flame said or did.
So here’s the gold, the beauty of the gift, the thing that makes it all worth it a thousand times over: In order to realize our True Identity, we have to connect strongly with Spirit, heal our Mind, and take excellent care of our Body. We cannot face ourselves until we accept ourselves, and we must first find Unconditional Love in order to do so. Unconditional Love is another term for Connection, Oneness, Life. This happens incrementally because we need to release our illusions in order to connect to Unconditional Love, but we need a certain amount of unconditional self-love and self-acceptance in order to give ourselves the compassion we need in order to feel our pain and release our illusions. It sounds like a catch 22, but it’s really more of a cycle. A process. A journey. Our Twin Flame Journey. As we heal our core wounds enough to allow us to spend more time truly feeling our Feelings, we find the balance and harmony necessary to more fully live our Truth.
What is self-love, anyways? How do we do it? We ask ourselves what we need, and then we give it to ourselves. Our Divine Counterparts do a great job of helping us with this because they will very stubbornly refuse to give us what we need until we don’t need it from them anymore, so whatever it is you think you want from your Twin Flame, give it to yourself! Do you want more of their time and attention? Take some “me time” and focus on yourself! Do you want their physical touch and presence? Be more aware of your own physical presence and the physical aspects of your life. Do you want their adoration and appreciation? Look for the things you adore and appreciate about yourself. Do you want them to comfort and calm you? Comfort and calm yourself. Do you want them to make you feel attractive? Make yourself feel attractive!
Also, if there are things you see in your Twin Flame that you cannot tolerate or blame for the separation, look for the same exact traits in yourself. They’re also a mirror to us in this way, and these areas are an important part of our healing, too.
There is nothing we truly need in life that Life will not provide if we allow it to flow through us unrestricted. It all comes from the same infinitely abundant Source, and that Source is pure, Unconditional Love. Ask yourself what you can do to allow it to flow freely into and through you. You must fill yourself with love before you will be in a position to truly love others. After all, your world is a reflection of you. If you are deeply hurting, you will have intimacy, creativity, abundance, and/or other mental blocks. Whatever you think your Twin Flame or Life is withholding from you, you are withholding from yourself. Give it to yourself so you can then give it to others, and soon you will find others giving more of it to you than you ever imagined.
Once you have removed the bulk of these blocks, you will be in a position to come into and stay in Union with your Twin Flame. Do not worry about what it looks like your Twin Flame is doing or not doing on the surface level. Your Twin Flame cannot stop triggering your core wounds until you heal them, so you will be surprised to find how quickly they come around and start acting even more loving than you had hoped once you truly love and accept yourself and heal your core wounds/release your illusions.
So what is the ultimate gift that our Twin Flames give us? Ourselves, which is the thing each of us really, truly wants more than anything. They do it by giving us whatever type of support or pain we need in order to find true self-love, self-acceptance, and self-sufficiency, and they go through the same torture that we do (whether it looks like it or not) in order to do it! They’re our heroes. ❤ And they ARE us! No matter how angelic we like to believe we are, we’re hurting them as much as they’re hurting us. We have to do this for them, just like they have to do it for us. We will come to love and accept these parts of ourselves, too. Our Divine Counterparts heal in layers complimentary to the layers we are healing. This is why we cannot outgrow or move on from them. We have truly met our match!

Whatever is going on right now in your individual journey, I invite each of you take a moment to feel gratitude for and bless yourself, your Twin Flame, and your Divine connection with pure, Unconditional Love. ❤